Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize