what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
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shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You need Xanax blowdarts
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I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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