Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
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Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
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I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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