Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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