of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
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I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
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holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My feet surprised me
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