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I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
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