The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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