I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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