If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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