Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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