I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
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i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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