you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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