Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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