ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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