theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I don't deserve a penis
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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