Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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