I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
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the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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