Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
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You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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