fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
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mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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