"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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