I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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