I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
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During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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