I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
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Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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