Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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