I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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