Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
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Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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