i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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