I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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