I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
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Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
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We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You were trust falling into bushes
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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