I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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