is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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