I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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