You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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