last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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