I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
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I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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