Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
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just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
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Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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