If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
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Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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