i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
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I'm passing your future prison.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
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I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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