I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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