I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
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If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
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You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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