theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
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he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
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Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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