I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize