your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
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Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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