Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
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Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
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almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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