from now on my penis is your penis
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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