why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
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Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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