The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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