I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
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Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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