If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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