im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
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About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
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I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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